Right, Daddy?

It's a moral choice,

right, Daddy?

The demonic screaming

that plagues everything

about me, inside me...

The voices of my abusers

convincing me - even now -

to push everyone away.

The obsessive and crippling fear of

falling asleep

losing too much sleep

getting my face wet

being alone in a quiet place

driving at night

the rain

loving anyone - even my own children - too much

because everyone I love is stolen from me

letting anyone get too close to me

saying the wrong thing

being touched

not being touched

being unwanted

being wanted too much

of creating anything

because there will always be people

who won't like it

of being wrong

of being right too often

needing help

needing attention

needing affection

needing intimacy

needing to be heard

needing to be understood

needing anything

wanting anything at all

because I cannot afford to be greedy

not wanting things

because that makes me apathetic

loving anyone for longer than a few moments

and so much more

But it's a moral choice,

right, Daddy?

The fact that I live my whole life

day in, day out, rain, shine, snow, hail, what have you

in a constant state of near panic level anxiety

But that's a moral choice,

right, Daddy?

Or was the moral part of it

the fact that sometimes

I fall apart,

I lose my grip on my anxiety,

I lose that battle for a split second

and everything inside of me explodes

in a fiery ball of fear

and pain

and confusion

and longing

and hatred

when I am not able to stop the explosion

once it begins, nor until it runs its course

and I am too exhausted to keep going.

These painful,

and terrifying,

and embarrassing,

and confusing,

and crippling experience

is a moral choice,

right, Daddy?