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Sunday, February 19, 2017

Right, Daddy?

It's a moral choice,
right, Daddy?

The demonic screaming
that plagues everything
about me, inside me...

The voices of my abusers
convincing me - even now -
to push everyone away.

The obsessive and crippling fear of
falling asleep
losing too much sleep
getting my face wet
being alone in a quiet place

driving at night
the rain
loving anyone - even my own children - too much

because everyone I love is stolen from me
letting anyone get too close to me
saying the wrong thing
being touched
not being touched

being unwanted
being wanted too much
of creating anything
because there will always be people
who won't like it

of being wrong
of being right too often

needing help
needing attention
needing affection
needing intimacy
needing to be heard
needing to be understood
needing anything

wanting anything at all
because I cannot afford to be greedy
not wanting things
because that makes me apathetic

loving anyone for longer than a few moments
and so much more

But it's a moral choice,
right, Daddy?

The fact that I live my whole life
day in, day out, rain, shine, snow, hail, what have you
in a constant state of near panic level anxiety

But that's a moral choice,
right, Daddy?

Or was the moral part of it
the fact that sometimes
I fall apart,
I lose my grip on my anxiety,
I lose that battle for a split second
and everything inside of me explodes

in a fiery ball of fear
and pain
and confusion
and longing
and hatred

when I am not able to stop the explosion
once it begins, nor until it runs its course
and I am too exhausted to keep going.

These painful,
and terrifying,
and embarrassing,
and confusing,
and crippling experience

is a moral choice,
right, Daddy?

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