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Thursday, December 29, 2016

The Playlist I Go To With My Depression

Everyone has their favorite kind of music. For my grandmother, it is old timey gospel music. For my brother, it is hard rock. For me, it’s anything where I can relate to the lyrics. My playlist consists of everything from country music to classic rock. Everyone, also, has their reasons for that kind of music being their favorite. I thought I would share a list of songs that are particularly poignant for me. This playlist is where I run to for relief from the things happening in my head.
1. Emilie Autumn – One Foot In Front Of The Other Foot
“How did I get myself into all of this mess? How did I end up with this deadly home address? How did it come to this, where every song I sing is nothing but a list of pain and suffering?”
For me, this song speaks to the feelings that I wrestle with on a daily basis. It also offers the solution of moving forward just one step at a time. Emilie is a Manic Depressive herself, and a lot of her music revolves around what goes on in her own head, and how she sees the world. Currently her two biggest albums “Fight Like a Girl” and “Opheliac” are available in Mp3 download format for free on her website
2. Christina Perri – Sad Song
“I’m gonna write a sad song, gonna make it real long; so everyone will see, that I’m very unhappy.”
Between you, me, and the world, this song is a beautiful momento of what Depression feel like, and the admitting to those feelings. 
3. Plumb – Cut
“I’m not a stranger, no I am yours. With crippled anger, and tears that still drip sore.”
In this song, Plumb talks about self-harm. The lyrics expose the singer’s thoughts and mindset. How she hates this part of herself, and wants to stop, but she needs the relief of it. I’ve stopped myself from engaging in self-harm using this song on several occasions.
4. Poets of The Fall – War
“Do you remember standing on a broken field, white crippled wings beating the sky?”
This song comes from a place of gratitude and recognition for the person in the writer’s life who stood with them at their lowest points.
5. Emilie Autumn – I Want My Innocence Back
“And I demand, you put my heart back in my hand – and wipe it clean from the mess you’ve made of me.”
This is an angry song. It’s filled to bursting with the hurt of a woman who has been abused by lovers, friends, and doctors alike. She demands that they make it right, that they redeem themselves. This song offers me catharsis for my own anger and pain. 
6. Poets of The Fall – Illusion and Dream
“Whatever makes you see, makes you believe; and forget about the premonition you need to concieve. The images they sell are illusion and dream – in other words – dishonesty.”
The singer expresses his discontentment with the world. He reviles the way that the media sells a world that is not real, and expresses a solid dissonance from the dishonesty of it.
7. My Chemical Romance – Disenchanted
“When the lights all went out, we watched our lives on the screen. I hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene.”
My Chemical Romance is famed as the proverbial gods of the Emo culture. They were revolutionary in their invitation to the struggling to just be emo with them. This song expresses feeling dissatisfied with what has become of his life and what it looks like – and his loved ones’ reactions to it. “And if you think that I’m wrong, this never meant nothing to you.”
8. Of Monsters and Men – Little Talks
“Though the truth may bury us, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.”
The two singers in this song have a conversation. The woman is struggling with the “old, and empty house” where everything creaks and keeps her awake. The man in the song is attempting to console her and help her find sleep. It is a comforting duet for me.
9. Laura Curtis – Loving a Ghost
“Cause loving a ghost is easier than the thought of letting somebody else hold my heart”
This song was produced by someone I knew in real life. We attended the same high school and shared an art class. Her whole Loving a Ghost album is incredibly airy but also melancholy. This song in particular is one that I relate very closely to after losing two different loves and only wanting them back for a long time.
10. Christina Perri – The Lonely
“2 AM, where do I begin? Crying off my face again… the silent sound of loneliness wants to follow me to bed.”
I am convinced that Christina was describing the grieving process here. It just rings of longing and of loneliness. It offers me a particular catharsis.

11. Poets of The Fall – Heal My Wounds
“Nothing else can heal my wounds”
This song is longing and pining at its finest. There is real pain in the words and it is vastly relatable to my own mental issues. 
12. Sixx A.M. – Skin
“Paint yourself a picture of what you wish you looked like. Maybe then they just might feel an ounce of your pain.”
This song talks about self-harm and depression in the light of an understanding loved one talking to the depressed person. The singer is talking right to the sufferer, and he is telling them that they are more than their scars. This song is like a warm, soft blanket for me when I am in the middle of my symptoms.

13. Emilie Autumn – Start Another Story
“Start at the beginning. Finnish at the end. Everything you’ll tell them is true, nothing is pretend.”
Emilie Autumn is the auther of a Semi-Autobiographic/Semi-Fictional novel “The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls” and her album “Fight Like a Girl” is set as somewhat of a soundtrack to the book. In this song, after the girls in the fictional part of the book have defeated their enemies and have found freedom from the abuse they suffered at the hands of their doctors, they don’t know how to be free anymore. One of the main characters is a talking rat named Sir Edward. This song is him, talking to these girls, telling them how to move forward from what they have survived.
14. Avril Lavigne – Tomorrow
“I don’t know how I feel, tomorrow”
Avril is talking to a potential lover in this song. She just feels like he will hurt her again. Though she is not sure what she will feel any day following, she just says “Not today. Maybe tomorrow.”
15. Tracy Chapman – Fast Car
“You’ve got a fast car, I want a ticket to anywhere.”
Tracy is talking about the lover in her life, and about her undesirable living situation. I know that I often feel like I could just run away and never come back. All I need is a fast car and enough fuel to get somewhere else.
16. Kings of Leon – Use Somebody
“You know that I could use somebody… someone like you”
This song is sometimes exactly my headspace. I am distanced from the world and in desperate need of someone to be near to me.
17. Evanescence – Tourniquet
“My wounds cry for the grave. My soul cries for deliverance.”
This song is a cry to God. I am in the middle of a pretty hardcore right now and this song just echoes the way I feel, especially as a Christian in my own right. It is everything about me sometimes. “My God, my tourniquet, return to me salvation…” 
18. The Killers – When You Were Young
“You know the Devil’s water it ain’t so sweet – you don’t have to drink right now – but, you can dip your feet every once in a little while.”
The singer takes all of us back to that place, when we were young, where we found sollace. It is a real place for me, and this song makes me feel more like I am not alone in wanting that place to return.
19. Blue October – Hate Me
“And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space.”
This song is, for me, about addiction and depression. In my depression, I learn to hate who I am. I see the way my depression is hurting my loved ones. It tears at me and I hate myself for that fact… This song – I feel – speaks to that part of my depression.
20. Disturbed – The Sound of Silence
“Hello darkness, my old friend, I’ve come to talk to you again.”
If you really listen to the words in this song (originally by Simon and Garfunkel), the singer feels a terrible dissonance from a world that has become unreachable and -worse – unteachable. He feels the silence between hearts is growing “like a cancer” and that the neon lights in the city have become Gods of their own right. This song is a real expression of the way the world feels to me many days.

21. Omnia – Toys in The Attic
“I could fly if I wanted to”
Who doesn’t, occasionally, love a goood “crazy” song? For me, it’s this one. The singers dance around the topic of insanity with various references like “toys in the attic”, “bats in the belfry”, and “looking for my marbles” that just kind of sink in and resonate with the symptom, that I have personally, of being afraid of going insane. 
22. Daniel Powter – Best of Me
“I’m hoping you’ll sing along – though it’s not your favorite song”
In this song I find that the singer is telling his loved ones that he is weak, and hurting, and just wants them to hear his own song – and sing along to it – even though they may not think well of it. He is offering them the best he can offer, and praying that it will be enough.
23. Marina V – I’ll Be Alright
“Every time I tell myself I’ll be alright – I’ll be alright. But, here I am, not better now than the day before.”
Marina sings, in this song, about feeling distanced from herself, and failing to get any better. She speaks to how she often tells herself that she will be alright, but never sees herself getting any better from what she was yesterday.
24. Apocalyptica – Not Strong Enough
“Hard to choose between the pleasure and the pain”
We all know that one person that bring us to our knees. It’s a joy to love them, but it is hell because we are sick and it hurts them. This song was probably written from a different perspective, but for me, the singer is telling the loved one how his pain is making it so hard to love them – and how that love makes it impossible to pull away from them.
25. Jessica Lowndes – In All My Dreams I Drown
“Please don’t make me go to sleep. In all my dreams I drown”
This is a melodic tune between the Captain of a ship, and a maiden who struggles with nightmares. There’s a storm rolling in, and she is afraid of suffering another nightmare of drowning. The Captain is worried that the storm will sink the ship, and he would rather she be sleeping for it – if she can. It’s a melancholic love song in reality, and it resonates with me.
This playlist is soothing for me. It echoes a lot of what goes on inside my head. With Major Depressive Disorder – that feeling is priceless.
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