Morning With Depression and Anxiety

8:15 alarm goes off. I rub my face multiple times, pulling my hair some to get blood flowing. Immediately, the demons who slept in my bed begin their morning parade of shouting into my thoughts.

I can’t do this.
They don’t even care for me.
I’m just a burden to them.
I am not good enough for anything I aspire to do today.
What if I piss them off again?

8:45 a.m. I sit up for the first time and look over to my makeup. It’s important for my family’s namesake in this little town that I look good if I go anywhere today. The thoughts keep flowing as I smoke my first cigarette.

I’m not even pretty.
Why do I even bother?
Is this too much makeup?
They’re going to hate it.
I’m taking too long. 
The baby’s been up an hour now.
Just give up already.

9:15 a.m. my makeup is finished and set. I stare at my mirror helplessly searching for any sign of attractiveness. I find nothing and let the whispers continue for a while longer.

OK, now what?
I don’t even look good.
I should have a beer first. 
I am friendlier when I’ve had one.
No, I haven’t drank in almost six months.
So? Maybe, I need to relax.
No, I need to go see my baby girl.

Between 9:30 a.m. and 10:00 a.m., I wander into the living room and find myself in the same chair I always sit in. I play mildly with my daughter. I am already exhausted from the ordeal inside my mind, and I cannot really play with her like I want to. I remember it’s been days, if not weeks, since my last shower and deodorant only works so well, even with good perfume.

I need to shower.
That’ll only serve to wear me out even more.
Everyone can smell my self-loathing right now.
Just spritz a little more fragrance. That’ll cover it.
But, how long can I really keep that up?

Between this point and noon, I spend time doing a little cooking, a little cleaning, a little conversing and I usually run back upstairs to my bed and remain there most of the day, having lost my battle with my mind badly enough to retreat.

I live this way, every single day of my life. It is the reality for many of us who live with the toxic mix of anxiety and depression.  If you have a loved one who struggles with these disorders, then there are ways you can help them succeed.

Take things slowly when they do emerge. They’re slow to come to life and being pushed can make the anxiety worse. Feed them. Engage with them. Most importantly, educate yourself on their disorders and advocate for them. Understand when they can’t get out of bed, they really can’t. They want to, desperately, but their bodies won’t allow it. Forgive them for it because they need you right now.

Peace, love and bulletproof marshmallows

Mandy T.