The Illness That I Don't Talk About

Over the last month, I have discussed a lot about Depression, Anxiety, and some about Autism. However, I also live with one disorder that isn't so prevalent in my life anymore. Anorexia Nervosa. 

At 14, after a serious psychotic episode, I found myself in a psych ward. Upon admission I was measured and weighed. I was 5'9" and weighed in at 90 pounds flat - with a BMI of only 13, which is severely underweight. I was obsessed with control, and terrified of ending up like my other family members; all my elders were overweight. I wanted to rise above them and prove to them that I would never be the unpleasant, judgmental, and angry people that they were.

I spent weeks on fasting, and walking long distances on hills. Every new, lower, number I got on my weight felt like a huge victory. But, it spiraled out of control.

The good news? Being hospitalized did me a ton of good. While there I worked hard to recover from all of my issues. They measured brain waves, took pictures of my brain, gave me hours of psychotherapy, and finally, gave me medications to balance things out. 

Something miraculous happened.

I got better. I left the hospital with a BMI of 17, which is in the athletic range. At a weight of 115, never had my body looked better. The medications worked and supported my recovery, and sooner than later, hope was visible. 

Today I am 187 pounds, and technically overweight. In the last 4 years, I have had 2 children - and my body has changed a lot. Now, I am back in the gym, and losing weight again - and it is terrifying. Part of me worries about that old feeling creeping back in. What if I start to obsess about the weight I need to lose? What if I lose control? Now, I am aiming only for 170 pounds as my target. That is safely inside the healthy semi-athletic range for body mass. But, the thought of losing control terrifies me. I am blessed that, while my other disorders are still not under control, this one has been. This one has stayed quiet and left me alone. I do not want it to come back. 

Here's hoping.

Peace, Love, and Bulletproof Marshmallows

Mandey T