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Thursday, January 12, 2017

When Depression Hits You

It was coming on again last night. You knew this, you felt it coming. As you dressed yourself for bed, the sensation of heaviness started in on you - so you rushed to sleep. Heavy sleep befell you, something akin to the way that warm water feels once your muscles relax - only cold at the core of it.

Flash forward.

You woke up this morning, and it was sleeping in your bed with you. Black, overwhelming, and jealous of your loved ones; this creature has become a demon in your once perfect home. It is simultaneously entirely weightless and overwhelmingly heavy. Everything you are is irreversibly intertwined into its web of lies and helplessness.

It seems impossible to move with the weight pressing in on you, and this demonic beast growling and whispering in your ear. The voice given off by your unwanted bedmate press you further into your mattress and into its grip.

"You can't do anything right..."
"They don't need you..."
"Dear God! You can't even get up with your alarm."
"Nothing about you is valuable..."

This voice echoes endlessly. Soon, all too soon, you see that half the day has passed between pseudo-sleeping and pressing the pillows to your ears in a helpless act of defiance. The harder you try to escape it - the harder the demon grips you.

The day feels like - both - an eternity and a moment. You cannot believe the sun is now setting. It is now time to go to sleep. Pills are taken. A bit of writing is done. You sleep restlessly, then heavily, then restlessly again, until you repeat this day again tomorrow.

Peace, Love, and Bulletproof Marshmallows
Mandey T

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