Last month I submitted - to you, my readers - ten secrets I did not tell about my depression before then. To be honest, I had told them before - but only to my psychiatrist and my counselor. They were not my only secrets. Far, far from it. I've been doing a lot of work in therapy over the phone lately, and it's time for another Secrets story.
Secrets I don't want to tell anyone - even my mental health team.
1. Sometimes it actually is comfortable.
Don't get me wrong. I hate that my depression locks me into my bed, lost in being totally exhausted and feeling entirely worthless and useless. It's painful and embarrassing, and causes me to think - daily - of ending everything. However, there are brief, and often terrifying, moments wherein it is also comfortable. Somewhere between that last nap, the soft bedding, the slow and easy music playing, and chamomile tea - it gets easier to handle. My family doesn't usually bother me much on a bad day, and sometimes the quiet and the still is kinda nice. I hate that I sometimes feel this way, and I have barely even told my psychiatrist about this sensation.
2. Sometimes I don't want it to go away.
I do not know where this comes from. The probable reason is that it has become my "normal" and - on occasion - the idea of learning to live without this uninvited house guest is terrifying. I really, truly, want to be free from this illness and move on with my life. I look forward to the days when I can play with my family and love on them all day long; I want to work, and rent a home of my own, and perform on stage again. Still, admissions must be made that - from time to time - I am still scared of what life without Depression looks like.
3. Sometimes I hate you more than I hate it.
Every time I do make an effort to hide how badly my depression is affecting me, and you - my love ones - try to force normalcy of your variety on me... I secretly hate you more than I hate my depression. I am counting on you to be the closest people to me, and yet again, you failed me. It gets so frustrating - I mean, endlessly infuriating - to try to be okay around you. When I do snap or get upset, you demand that I "wrangle myself in" or just "calm myself down", and that makes me hurt and angry.
These aren't things that I like, or want to talk about. I am afraid that they will proliferate the stigma that people already have around Depression and other mental illnesses. There's nothing worse, in my opinion, than having contradicting symptoms. It is painful and confusing.
Please, tell me I am not alone here?
Peace, Love, and Bulletproof Marshmallows
Mandey T
Reading this was a great relief for me. I, too, struggle between wanting to feel better and wanting to hold on to the familiar place I've been in for years. In my depression, I know what to expect, or rather, what not to expect. On days when I'm feeling neutral, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either. On days when I'm feeling better, I don't want to take my meds so I can go back to what I'm used to. But on bad days, I don't want to take my meds so I can finally hit bottom and end it. The result is taking less than half the meds I should, feeling scared if I laugh, and settling for self harm over death. I've never put these thoughts into words before because they make me feel so alone. I didn't think anyone else would understand.
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